Shame - the Root of All Sexual Problems

Acculturated Shame Primes the Pump

of Sex Addiction In America

Shame - the Root of All Sexual Problems

Since the day that Adam and Eve were forced to relinquish their innocence through expulsion out of the Garden of Eden, and damned throughout eternity to wear a grape vine, signifying the “shame” of their “nakedness” (sexuality), there have been few periods in history when mankind has not been tortured and conflicted by the moral ambiguities inherent in that most mysterious, sublime and devious aspect of the human mind and psyche, his sexuality.

The last three decades have ostensibly make great strides in a sexual “revolution” and I suppose some strides have been made. But in the year 2013, we find ourselves living in a highly sexual culture, as evidenced by the media, while at the same time, open, intimate conversations about sex elicits feelings of embarrassment and shame. No matter how liberal we think we are, the sexuality of all of us has been culturally shamed.

The Church and the Family are the two main culprits involved in teaching children to be embarrassed about sex. In addition to acculturated shame, shame is introduced to individual children and young people in countless ways.. Some are sexual abuse, emotional abuse of sexuality, sexual secrecy, exposure to pornography, religious shaming, incorporating the split-off sexual shame of a parent. Even subtle parental discomfort about discussing things sexual, conveys to the child that the world of sexuality is shameful.

There are any number of ways, both subtle and overt, in which one can learn that sexuality per se is shameful. Hence, individuals in our society are quickly faced with an intolerable dilemma: how to come to terms with a vital part of the self that is seen as inherently bad.

Exploratory genital touching, masturbatory activities, sexual curiosity, childhood sexual play, and adolescent sexual strivings are ready targets for any number of shame-inducing responses on the part of with parents or others who play a role in the child world A pattern of parental responses which either call too much attention to the behavior in questions thereby engendering self-consciousness, or directionality the child for it, can eventuate in a sex/shame bind.

As adults, people may come to xperience their sexual life either as a testing ground for the adequacy or else as an arena in which perfromance expectations otherwise abound. Our natural sexual response is a health one. However, once performace enterest the scene, we become overly watchful of ourselves, scritinizing our own bodily reactions such that spontatneous sexual responses are disrupted.

If we feel a need to sexually perform, then the pressure is experienced internally to live up to those expectations of ourselves and will mask any possible sexual pleasure.

Shame is focused on sexuality more than any other human quality – worldwide. While sex is considered a wonderful, enjoyable aspect of being human, at the same time, a seemingly contradictory cultural belief that it is wrong and bad still underlies our more positive views. The perception of sexual the “badness” of our sexuality effects our feelings about our bodies, our attractiveness to others, value to others and even our right to be alive.

Sexual Shame in The Therapeutic Community.

A person looking for help with a sexual issues doesn't know WHERE he should go. Amongst therapists who specialize in human sexuality, rarely does a person specializing in one area of treatment know about the other two ahead. Traditional sex therapists focus on sexual behavior, even when childhood sex abuse or sex addiction become evident. Therapists treating sex abuse may obscure sexual addiction. Training for sex addiction may pay attention to the importance of abuse, but hardly any to healthy sexual functioning

Through the subtle lack of coordination of effort on the part of therapists who treat sexual problems, the power of sexual shame is removed from one integrated approach. “Divide and conquer” and avoid the power and presence of sexual shame in all three areas.

Sexual shame inhibits sexual loving and underlies most sexual assumptions, including sex addiction.

Being a Sexual Person

Every person learns an arsenals of maneuvers to allow us to be sexual without feeling shame. These strategies don't remove shame from sex, but allows a person to be sexual without awareness of the shame.

Next: Sex Addiction as one of the Ways of Out-Maneuvering Sexual Shame.

Links:

www.sextreatment.com

The Benefits of AA Meetings

for those New to Alcoholism Treatment

A Plan for Achieving Abstinence

The particular aspect s of Alcoholics Anonymous that have been shown to be related to positive outcome is documented by research and includes having a sponsor, engaging in Twelfth -Step Groups, increasing participation as time goes by, and leading a meeting.  Sponsoring others and working the Sixth through Twelfth Steps are a also good determinants of success in achieving sobriety.

Many individuals will elect not to work with a Twelve-Step program, particularly during their early attempts at sobriety.  Some people will never work the Twelve Steps.  For these individuals, I recommend groups with a more secular orientation (e.g. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy Groups, Recovery, Inc., SMART Recovery, or Secular Organization for Sobriety).  Alternatively, my preference for these people are to attend Group Therapy from one to three-times weekly.

For those attending AA, the key to the initiation of the program is the initial working of the First Step.  In AA, this step is as follows:  “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”   This step requires a reduction in denial to the point that the person is willing to admit that his/her life has become chaotic and unmanageable as a result of the alcohol that he/she   has been using. People make lists of times whey were unable to control their alcohol use and the consequences of doing so.  They may list all relevant alcohol-related problems.  This helps him to introduce himself at meetings as an alcoholic.  Presenting the First Step in detail to a small group or to a psychotherapist facilitates getting beyond the denial of being an alcohol abuser.

The Second Step is also begun in this phase, but is generally not addressed until some time has elapsed after the beginning of treatment for addiction.  The step is as follows “We came to believe that a Power grater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  Many people, particularly atheists and agnostics, have difficulty with this step because they have come to believe that Higher Power can only refer to God.  Unfortunately, their rigidity prevents them from seeing that a belief in God is not necessary, but only a belief that something greater than and different from self can be of help.  I encourage my patients to choose the power of the group itself, which has helped many, many individuals to stop drinking that any other program in history.  The Second Step merely encourages individuals to admit that they have been, and no doubt will continue to be, unable to stop drinking through their own auto-therapy, or through the use of “the unaided will.” ("You can't jump over your own knees.")

There’s irony in the fact that before recovery, alcoholics invest themselves in dependence on drinking alcohol or on their spouses.  Yet they deny the powerful unconscious aspects of their psychological dependence, believing that they are self-sufficient and needful of no one.  Underlying this denial is usually the experience of a critical, unloving parental figure who sadistically abused the patient whenever he expressed dependent needs.  Little boys in our culture, especially, are often ridiculed for having dependency needs.  Thus such people fear dependence on any entity greater than their individual egos.  Understandably, they anticipate re-traumatization.

If an individual is gradually able to accept and internalize a Power greater than himself, this power becomes internalized.  Over time, the inner self is imbued with more of a sense of inner authority, structure and security.  A healthy ego develops, one not dependent on substances, people or activities to validate self-worth.

Twelve-Step work is extremely valuable to the newly sober individual, in that it relieves the painful alienation of the solitary aspects of alcoholism.  It instills hope, provides mutual concern, and furnishes a basis to regain control of one’s life.  Self-regulation and self-care become a muliperson phenomenon.  

The attachment to the group provides needed internalization of self-care and self-valuing.  People are given warm and enthusiastic approval when they share or celebrate an anniversary.  For a period of time, the person’s sobriety may depend on his idealization of the group.

The function of the mottos and phrases that are on the walls of the rooms serve as cognitive snippets to avoid problem behavior, feelings, attitudes and situation.

When individuals surrender to the fact that they can no longer drink safelly, they suffer a narcissistic injury.  As this belief is accepted and incorporated over time, they let go of their pathological narcissism and replace it with the healthy knowledge that they are finally in charge of their own behavior.  The represents a healthy form of narcissism.  Twelve Step work gradually yet continually punctures this narcissism.

Sometimes the person will have to work with his therapist on the issues of narcissism and entitlement before he can accept the common human experience that there is in the world a force grater than ourselves.  With this, the patient may begin to relinquish the unrealistic and somewhat grandiose self-image that requires him to solve every problem alone.  The patient is helped to see that even though the Twelve-Step program is a spiritual program, it is not a religion.  Accepting and acknowledging that something unaccessible to our five senses and different from the person may aid the healing process.  A sense of spirituality is also useful in moving the newly sober alcoholic from self-centeredness and painful self-preoccupation towards a capacity for considering others, humility and self-love.

Next: Phase 2 of Treatment: Early Recovery

Other Resources:

www.aaservice.org.uk/About-AA/Newcomers/About-AA-Meetings‎

www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step1.pdf‎

www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step2.pdf‎

The Fruits of Sex Addiction Recovery - A Healthy Personality

Dorothy Hayden, LCSW

New York, NY 10003

212-673-5717

www.sextreatment.com

The Fruits of Recovery--

A Healthy Personality

If you view the end result of the recovery process exclusively as the cessation of addictive behavior, you're selling yourself short.

Active addiction is merely a symptom of your core problems. You can be free from addiction for a period of time but if you haven't done the hard work of introspection, self-understanding and change, your old addiction friend will sooner or later come to visit.

Addiction, especially sex addiction, involves a developmental arrest in the personality from inadequate parenting. You literally get “stuck” because an active addiction prohibits psychological growth. If your main coping mechanism is going to the addiction when you have unwanted feelings or normative stress from living, you never develop higher-level ways of functioning and coping.

Letting go of compulsive sexuality will allow you to continue that growth. Growth towards what? MATURITY?

Maybe you're wondering what THAT is. Well, below if a list of the characteristics of a healthy personality so you know what you could be striving for in ongoing recovery.

What is a Healthy Personality?

• In a healthy personality, the self evolves from being focused only upon itself to a widening range of people and activities. There's a sense of focused personal involvement and participation in the activities of work and love.
  
  
• A healthy personality has the capacity for intimacy and the capacity for compassion. The person shows authentic participation with their loved ones and concern for their welfare. Compassion is a sense of kinship with and empathy for all people because we all have our frail humanity in common.
  
  
• Maturity includes self-acceptance, frustration tolerance and emotional control. Healthy people live with their shortcomings with little conflict within themselves. They have a basic sense of security in the self and basic trust in people and whatever spiritual meaning they embrace.
  
  
• Mature people do not distort reality to make it compatible with their desires and fears. They accept and adjust to reality for what it is.
  
  
• Healthy people believe in the importance of work and lose themselves in this activity. Work and responsibility provide meaning and a sense of continuity to life.
  
  
• Healthy people can reflect on their own feelings, thoughts, impulses and desires and on the behaviors and motivations of other people. They consider the consequences of their actions and make conscious choice in the interest of their own “enlightened self-interest”.
  
  
• Mature people have a sense of directedness which guides all aspects of a person's life toward a goal or a series of goals and give meaning to life. Should it unfold that a particular goal is unattainable, they cultivate new goals.

Sounds pretty OK, yeah? Just keep doing the next right thing and the serenity and self-esteem of having a healthy personality can be yours.

CALL NOW FOR A FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION

212-673-5717

Entrepreneur Discusses Core Values

I'm always harping about the importance of knowing your values as an antidote to your active addiction.  Here's confirmation from a guy who uses them to make money.  Surely you can use them to save your life?
Dorothy

Define Your Personal Core Values: 5 Steps

If your company has core values, shouldn't you? Establishing your own personal guidelines can remove risk and accelerate success.

shutterstock images

Most concede the power of core values in business. Jim Collins made a great case inBuilt to Last. But it's difficult to accurately create or accept core values for your company if your own personal core values are unclear.
Many claim to understand their own values, but I maintain you don't really know them until you have:

1. Articulated them clearly in writing.
2. Tested them through daily decision-making.

Much like company core values, your personal core values are there to guide behavior and choice. Get them right and you'll be swift and focused in your decision-making, with clear direction. Get them wrong or leave them ambiguous, and you'll constantly wonder how you got into this mess.

Although your personal core values may not exactly match anyone else's, they still help you determine your surrounding culture. Most smart people consciously or unconsciously use personal core values to select friendships, relationships and business partnerships. Your core values also help you wisely manage your personal resources such as time and money.

Simply put, I use my personal core values as decision guidelines that keep me true to myself, and out of trouble. Here are mine with brief descriptions:

Truth

Some people are skilled liars. I am not. I function best when people are direct and honest. I make it clear in conversation and in writing that truth is necessary in my world, no matter how painful. This is probably why I thrive as a New Yorker.

Diligence

I am a contact management freak. I focus on punctuality, returning phone calls and e-mails within the hour or at least the day whenever possible. I hear screaming in my head if I have left anyone hanging. I also make sure my statements are substantiated, hence the reason you'll rarely see me speak in absolutes without doing my homework.

Consistency

Since people pay attention to my writing and talks, credibility is critical, and I have a lot to live up to. Hypocrisy is deadly in my world and this core value reminds me to integrate humor, the Awesome Experience, ROAR! and all my other lessons into my life and work, every single day.

Creativity

You would think a writer, marketer, and theater graduate wouldn't need creativity as a core value. But when it's been a long month of travel, it's 3 a.m. and the column, speech, or book chapter is pending, I have to remind myself that I need to take that extra step to make my material compelling so I can intrigue, entertain, and connect with my audience.

Impact

Like most entrepreneurs, I see potential everywhere. This value reminds me to disregard when my brain is saying: "I can do that!" and instead ask the question: "Should I do that?" The criteria are simple: Maximum results for minimum effort. Each shiny new opportunity gets evaluated this way.
Some of my personal traits like passion, integrity, and energy don't qualify in my mind as core values because I follow these instinctively without consideration. They are unnecessary in my decision making process. I refer to them as my Table Stakes.
Now it's your turn to identify your values.

Personal Core Values Exercise:

Grab a notebook. It's time to do some writing. Give yourself quiet space, no distractions, and at least an hour to reflect on each section.
Step 1--Think through and describe the following in detail:

1. What have been your three greatest accomplishments?
2. What have been your three greatest moments of efficiency?
3. What are any common rules or themes that you can identify?

Step 2--Think through and describe the following in detail:

1. What have been your three greatest failures?
2. What have been your three greatest moments of inefficiency?
3. What are any common rules or themes that you can identify?

Step 3--Identify three or four brief sentences of advice you would give to yourself based upon these commonalities.

Step 4--Next try and reduce them to a few words. For example: If your advice is: "Don't overindulge in food and booze at parties and get in trouble," reduce that down to Keep Control Through Moderation, or even Moderation.

Step 5--Now comes the fun. You need to test the value. Think of a situation where following your core value hurts you rather than helps you. For example you might think Innovation sounds good until you realize that your life thrives on stability rather than constant change. You have to think it through carefully. If you can't identify a legitimate case where the value steers you wrong, you probably have a good core value.

Know that this process requires focused time and thought. I recommend doing it with someone you trust. Then you'll get honest feedback and you can help each other. It may require several discussions over weeks or even months. Your values may adjust and develop over time just as you do, so embrace the change.

As Mahatma Ghandi said, "Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."

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An Inc. 500 entrepreneur with a more than $1 billion sales and marketing track record,Kevin Daum is the best-selling author of Video Marketing for Dummies. @awesomeroar

www.KevinDaum.com

Sex Addiction as a Mental Health Condition

Sex addiction to become a mental health condition

ZEENIA F BARIA, TNN Dec 22, 2012, 12.42PM IST

Tags

• 

(It’s official now:…)

  Sex addiction will no longer be a loosely used term. A team of experts from the University of California, Los Angeles ( UCLA), have now tested a proposed set of criteria to define hypersexual disorder — more popularly known as sex addiction — as a new mental health condition.

Senior sex therapist and counsellor Dr (Prof.) Rajan Bhonsle defines addiction as a compulsive 'preoccupation' with any activity. "When any obsession starts affecting major aspects of a person's life and relationships, it is classified as an addiction. Sexual addiction, therefore, implies an inability to control one's sexual behaviour despite its negative consequences. It leaves a person dysfunctional in all other areas of life such as study, work, relationships, social obligations, family life and personal health and hygiene. Some people have a higher libido. As long as it doesn't make them dysfunctional in any aspect of their life, it is not an addiction. But if they have conflicts over it, or worse, are doing things on the sly, then it is a case of sex addiction," says Dr Bhonsle.

Adds clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany, "Sex addiction is when a person has a markedly increased amount of sex to feel sexually fulfilled. He/she also shows a persistent desire to spend abnormal amounts of time fulfilling sexual cravings. This obsession, or intense desire for sex, increases each day and a person struggles to cut down or control his behaviour in spite of the damage it causes ."

Diagnosis
Diagnosis is made by a trained and experienced therapist, purely on the basis of a patient's detailed case history, which is compiled after talking to the person and/or his close relatives and friends. "There are no tests to diagnose sex addiction. It is as prevalent in India as it is in the West or any other part of the world," says Dr Bhonsle.

Treatment
Counselling and psychotherapy (multimodal approach) should be done by a trained therapist. "The multimodal approach, which includes the Robert Carkhuff model of counselling, a combination of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), has been found effective. Pharmacotherapy is advised for primary or secondary emotional problems while family therapy studies and manages the stress factors at home. It also involves close family members in the therapy,"says Dr Bhonsle.

"For successful treatment, it is important that the therapist is fully trained. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help those who have been sexually abused and have developed the disorder because of that trauma," explains Hingorrany.

Being supportive

Family support is an important part of the treatment plan. "A psychologist explains to the patient's spouse how sex addiction is a treatable disorder of the mind. Patience and support from the spouse really helps," says Hingorrany.

Symptoms
Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation) Excessive thoughts about sex
Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
Persistent use of pornography
Unsafe sex
Phone or computer sex (cybersex)
Indulging in prostitution or visiting prostitutes
Obsessive dating through personal ads
Voyeurism and/or stalking
Sexual harassment, molestation and rape (in extreme cases)

source:  The India Times